It’s been a long time since I’ve put my soul on a page, so bear with me this could get long, but I’ll try to be to the point.
May 20, 2011:
I peed on a stick and it made me cry.
If my tears could talk they would they would stand in shock of how a little pink line could bring such surprise and joy.
June 16, 2011:
I met my baby. The ultrasound made me lay in complete amazement that I could see him move and not feel a thing. Then the sound came on and I cried. If my tears could talk they would say one hundred and seventy beats of pure magic just took my breathe away.
June 28, 2011
Dad was diagnosed with Mantle Cell Lymphoma. As words and phrases like: “rare” “hard to treat” and “incurable” came up, I cried. If my tears could talk they would scream in great anger. “Why? Why my family AGAIN? Was all mom’s surgeries, Angie’s cancer, Stephie’s UC, and Sam’s miscarriage of the twins/bad surgery not enough? All that I could handle. Watching Angie loose her hair and fight for life, sucked but I could handle it. Watching Steph’s teenage years fade into the background as a disease claimed her sociability, I hated it, but I could bear it. Watching Sam’s joy of finding out about a pregnancy turn to pain with each appointment that revealed more and more complications. It was awful, but I could stand it. This time it’s different; this time it’s MY DADDY, this I can not handle. God, I’m angry and I’m hurt and I’m just about out of hope.”
Dr Bandi seems to think that Dad’s cancer is found early and for now we can look for treatment trials, but without further symptoms, we don’t need to treat. For me, tears of joy! My talking tears would say, ignore it and won’t be there! That I can do! Sounds stupid, but I liked. You treat the sick. If you aren’t treating, you aren’t sick! I know it’s not true, but I can totally adopt that philosophy.
July 8, 2011:
Today Angie is cancer free for 5 years. That changes her to the status of “CURED” and also gives her the term “Survivor”. Believe it or not, I cried ALL DAY LONG (at work). I’m sure it looked ridiculous to all of my patients and coworkers, but my tears cried with celebration. Angie even laughed at me a little when I called her on my lunch break to tell her how happy I was. What a great thing to celebrate.
July 13, 2011
This little hunk of life joined us! 8lbs 5oz and 20.5inches of pure joy. Needless to say, I CRIED! Tears of hope. Tears that said, blessing come in small packages, but they make a world of difference. Just look at him, he’s BEAUTIFUL! Brennan Parker Geiger, I LOVE YOU!
July 14, 2011 (one day later):
Found out Dad’s cancer is not caught early, but that it’s stage 4. It’s not only in the bone marrow, but it’s also near some vital organs, liver and portal system, and it has the potential to flare quickly and get those organs involved. IE we start chemo in 3 weeks followed by hospital stays and more chemo and isolation and a bone marrow transplant. Tears of sorrow-dare I add the words: agony, anguish, desperation, grief and misery. If you know how much of a daddy’s girl I am you would know that the depth of my emotions are not just those of dramatization or fancy words, but a true and genuine heart ache.
Today my tears fall without words, but rather feelings of hopelessness and pain. Even with all the encouragement and prayers people are offering, I feel nothing except that tears that fall.
Sorry that this post may be a little depressing, but if I’m gonna take the time to write it down I’m going to tell the truth. Also, I referred to my baby as a “him” above… we do not know the sex of the baby, but I always use the male term for 2 reasons: 1) The male term is gender neutral and 2) I think it’s a boy. But again we don’t know so don’t read into the ”him.”